Losing Someone

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Isn’t it strange, how many ways there are to miss someone? You miss the things they did and who they were, and you also miss who you were to them, and how much you mattered.

Coping with loss is a strange concept. I suppose we are never prepared to handle how to “cope.” I think you live with it, as best you can. I don’t think we ever really get over it. We just get up and continue on every day, but somewhere deep down we are different because of it.

These are things I learned from losing people I love. I still say love, present tense.

When you have lost someone you love — I mean really, truly loved — you start to notice grief in other people too. The reaction you get when you share your loss with them, can tell so much.  It’s like they get a strange look in their eyes if they have lost someone too. You start to recognize each other like you are part of some terrible club.

If I had to put the look in their eyes into a word it would be tired. Grief can make you so terribly tired. You get so sick of carrying all the weight in your heart.

Life keeps happening even if you need time to grieve. And you find yourself faced with the dilemma of the huge life ahead of you. Minutes, hours, weeks, months, years….. all seems too impossible to tread at that moment.We just learn to live from one moment to the next, taking each breath as it comes. .

I have to say I think it is cruel that the world does not stop when one needs time to grieve. No one teaches you what it feels to lose someone or how to walk your way through it. No one tells you about the stages of grief.

And that they do not come in any specific order, or that they do not have a time frame. These five emotionally heavy stages of grief , namely; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance do not happen chronologically.

Of course, how we almost wish they each happened in a specific order. That way, we could wait for one to pass and check it off the list, getting closer to the final stage of acceptance.

The reality is that the bad days do not ever really go away, and that is okay. Some days are marked on the calendar — anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. And it is okay to miss someone on those days.Even if it happened a long time ago it still matters. It may also be a blessing to know this pain, to have had someone who made saying good-bye so impossibly hard.

You are never ready for big changes, even if you think you are. And that’s the truth- things hit you the least way you expect them to— even if you have had time to prepare for it.

When we mourn, we often forget that we did not just lose them; we lost part of ourselves too.Everything changes in an instant you cannot control, and you are left to deal with the aftermath.

I want to remember the people I love and I want to keep talking about them. Everyone deals with it differently, and there is no wrong way to do it. I will not let death take away the good memories I have of someone or make the time I spent with them seem less important, while remembering the beautiful moments you spent with them.

I know that is what they would want for me, and how they would want to be remembered — with love and joy instead of pain and tears.

To my Mom and Dad, who taught me so much more than the things in this list. I love you, present tense. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity and how much I still miss you. You gave me a forever within the numbered days we shared.

And to my Mom- in- law who taught me to be content with the little things, but dare to dream of the bigger ones.

I hope you’d be proud of who I have become.

And to everyone who has lost, and to those who will understand this. I pray for you to have days where you think of them and smile. 

-Madhavi

2 thoughts on “Losing Someone

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