Calling back my Power


I have spent so many years selflessly offering every bit of me to those who took all of my offerings for granted.
I spent countless hours thinking about others’ need that I forgot I had needs of my own too.
I spent all of my energy chasing people who ignored me when I needed them to walk with me.
I spent all my tears on the pain I didn’t deserve to endure.
I let my feet dance to the tune of others.
I allowed my hands to be tied with doing the work for others.
I buried my dreams alive under society’s reality.
I lowered myself to standards so that I would fit in.
I succumbed to self doubt, lack, fear and insecurity.
I stumbled, I fell and lay on the ground and sighed.
Gazing up at the stars, that looked so beautiful, floating in the darkness.
I was losing my spark because I was too distant from myself.
It was time to free my hands and stop dancing to the rhythm of others.
It was time to look within my soul.
It was time to make things right.
I don’t regret anything I did or the mistakes I made.
It was a journey of self discovery to finding the woman I am today.
It has made me who I am.
I want to build myself from ground zero.
I want to bloom to new heights.
Today, I call all of my power.
Back to me.  

-Madhavi

A time to Introspect.

 

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It’s almost the end of 2018.

There were so many things I wanted to do this year.

So many dreams were waiting to be fulfilled. And I haven’t even started doing some of them yet. The idea is still stuck in the corner my head for the past few months. But then reality took over and I haven’t been able to actually write them down in black and white and manifesting them. Nonetheless I haven’t forgotten about them.

There are people I have been wanting to meet. It’s been too long and I haven’t seen them. They have taken up too much space in my thoughts but I haven’t been able to see them in the flesh. The pain does get unbearable at times, and the void seems even bigger. The plans were made but like it always is the case-Life happened. The plans are lying on the back burner waiting and bidding its time.

Some of the promises I made to myself at the beginning of the year were fulfilled while some are waiting in the wings with bated breath, staring back at me with pain and sorrow in their eyes.

As I am getting older, I have realised that the feeling of being contented with life is evading me. There are so many things I want to learn. There are so many doors that have to be unlocked. There are so many beautiful places in the world I still have to travel to and experience. There are so many moments in the day that I want to be alive to. I know I am getting even more impatient and greedy to accomplish some of ‘what I really want and close to my heart’ dreams before I kick the bucket.

And as 2018 is coming to an end, I hope I don’t lug the baggage of my previous years with me and stop stressing over the what ifs that I cannot change.

I hope I walk into the New Year with my eyes and my heart open to see the marvellous things around me and see God’s hand in everything.

I hope to forgive myself and the people who have caused me pain and give both of us a clean slate to start over.

I hope to be more thankful for inhaling every new day with a healthy mind, body and spirit.

I hope to be really close to my friends, and to also find new people who infuse me with their positivity and zest for life. People, who will love me and respect me, people who mean it when they say they care.

I hope to look at the sun and let all the shadows fall behind me.

And I hope to convert my two steps forward, two steps backward stance of my life into a groovy dance move.

And finally as 2018 comes to an end, I hope I am blessed enough by God’s grace to press the restart button and begin life afresh.

After all – IT’S MY LIFE!!!

Deeply Connected or Over Emotional?

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I was shopping at a clothing store a few days back when I overheard a couple of young girls passionately discussing and dissecting a forthcoming wedding that was to take place between two of Bollywood’s mega stars.

It was a typical nonsensical and useless tête-à-tête which was none of their business in the first place.

And I don’t know why, but it bothered me. Flimsy stuff like that always bothers me. I couldn’t “shrug things off,” and move on. I was dwelling, and obsessing on that conversation for the whole day. And I couldn’t understand why?

It had nothing to do with me. And everyone has a right to their opinion. So why was this conversation whirring around in my head?

Was it, because I feel emotions more deeply?  And react to things faster, and more intensely than other people do. It’s like getting hit with the first shot of tequila.

And yes, I worry. I worry about this, and that, and every other thing. I don’t shy away from things that make me uncomfortable, because I always seem to be uncomfortable.

I understand that I am not a mess, but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I cry more than I laugh. I feel more than I should.

But then, I guess when you are connected to everything, you somehow also feel responsible for everything. You just can’t turn your back away from most situations and the people in your life. Your destiny becomes bound with their destiny.

It’s good to feel the pain of others and be compassionate. Empathy is a powerful and arguably rare trait to possess, but the one thing I keep reminding myself is, to be strong enough to love not only my family and friends, but more importantly, myself too.

People like me who feel too much are no strangers to excessive anger, sadness, happiness, etc. They experience every emotion on the spectrum way more deeply than they’d like. Holding back the tidal waves of feelings is just plain impossible. It’s like standing at the edge of the ocean when a giant wave moves in too fast for you to escape it.

You do realise that you don’t control your emotions – they control you. And when you have one of those teary moods, everything and anything whether it is a movie, a book or a song, everything can turn on those waterworks and make you howl.

And as much as I’d like to deny this, I can’t. People, who feel so much, become highly perceptive to other people’s feelings. And honestly, there are very few people who understand the true, inner workings of your mind. They think they know you but in reality they don’t. They can never understand what it is like to feel hurt, or misunderstood, or even ignored.

This is the reason why we appreciate solitude so much. Its only when we are truly alone that we can take the time to deeply reflect upon our feelings. Although it may make us appear to be aloof and stand offish, but in reality this is the time we certainly need to sort through our emotions.

And it explains why we are drawn to other deep and introspective individuals, either in a friendly or romantic way. Their similar mindset, deep talks and wisdom are like an energy bar for our tired souls.

There are probably so many days in a year when I wish I could just “chill out” and take life as it is, but then circumstances take precedence over my needs, and I can’t. But I guess that’s okay. One just learns to live through it.

I just believe in following my heart!!!