Losing Someone

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Isn’t it strange, how many ways there are to miss someone? You miss the things they did and who they were, and you also miss who you were to them, and how much you mattered.

Coping with loss is a strange concept. I suppose we are never prepared to handle how to “cope.” I think you live with it, as best you can. I don’t think we ever really get over it. We just get up and continue on every day, but somewhere deep down we are different because of it.

These are things I learned from losing people I love. I still say love, present tense.

When you have lost someone you love — I mean really, truly loved — you start to notice grief in other people too. The reaction you get when you share your loss with them, can tell so much.  It’s like they get a strange look in their eyes if they have lost someone too. You start to recognize each other like you are part of some terrible club.

If I had to put the look in their eyes into a word it would be tired. Grief can make you so terribly tired. You get so sick of carrying all the weight in your heart.

Life keeps happening even if you need time to grieve. And you find yourself faced with the dilemma of the huge life ahead of you. Minutes, hours, weeks, months, years….. all seems too impossible to tread at that moment.We just learn to live from one moment to the next, taking each breath as it comes. .

I have to say I think it is cruel that the world does not stop when one needs time to grieve. No one teaches you what it feels to lose someone or how to walk your way through it. No one tells you about the stages of grief.

And that they do not come in any specific order, or that they do not have a time frame. These five emotionally heavy stages of grief , namely; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance do not happen chronologically.

Of course, how we almost wish they each happened in a specific order. That way, we could wait for one to pass and check it off the list, getting closer to the final stage of acceptance.

The reality is that the bad days do not ever really go away, and that is okay. Some days are marked on the calendar — anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. And it is okay to miss someone on those days.Even if it happened a long time ago it still matters. It may also be a blessing to know this pain, to have had someone who made saying good-bye so impossibly hard.

You are never ready for big changes, even if you think you are. And that’s the truth- things hit you the least way you expect them to— even if you have had time to prepare for it.

When we mourn, we often forget that we did not just lose them; we lost part of ourselves too.Everything changes in an instant you cannot control, and you are left to deal with the aftermath.

I want to remember the people I love and I want to keep talking about them. Everyone deals with it differently, and there is no wrong way to do it. I will not let death take away the good memories I have of someone or make the time I spent with them seem less important, while remembering the beautiful moments you spent with them.

I know that is what they would want for me, and how they would want to be remembered — with love and joy instead of pain and tears.

To my Mom and Dad, who taught me so much more than the things in this list. I love you, present tense. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity and how much I still miss you. You gave me a forever within the numbered days we shared.

And to my Mom- in- law who taught me to be content with the little things, but dare to dream of the bigger ones.

I hope you’d be proud of who I have become.

And to everyone who has lost, and to those who will understand this. I pray for you to have days where you think of them and smile. 

-Madhavi

Healing

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Once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” — Haruki Murakami

The answer to life’s many questions are really plain and simple.

Throughout our lifetime we are faced with circumstances and situations that take a toll on our mental, physical and spiritual selves.  It’s an accepted fact of being part of the life chain. Along with happiness and fun, sadness and pain are always on the flip side.

Some wounds or should I say some of the pain we feel, both physical and mental, take a lot of time to heal. But heal they do. Eventually!

But for us to allow that healing to take place, requires us to uncover our subconscious wounds, face our inner demons, and meet our pain head on. It requires us to break over and over again until we settle into wholeness.

But Time is the biggest healer, isn’t it? Every wound, every pain will fully heal only when we accept it in its entirety and allow it to scar us, look at it right into their eyes, face it, and resolve it.

The pain will take you back into time. You will relive each forgotten memory, through isolation, despair, desperation, powerlessness and anxiety. Until, you realize that you can’t run away from it. They become a part of you.

My own life path has been quite dark. I have had to face many of the aspects that I would never have chosen to see.

Right from the days in my teens of losing both my parents within a span of two years, to last week when we lost the matriarch of the husband’s side of family.

I have spent almost close to three decades being a solid support and companion of my mother in law, when last week she breathed her last peacefully.

Suddenly when everyone of her children and relatives leave for their respective homes, after the mandatory 12 day period of mourning is over, I will find a huge void in my time.

I will have to prioritize my own needs and claim my life back. There are so many issues which need addressing. I hope I can overcome the bad tides and look forward to new beginnings and new blessings.

The path to healing is never easy. But I know it will be worth the effort and worth the wait.

Acceptance and trusting in the Divine with utmost faith will pave the way for new blessings, abundance of love and healing to enter the soul and life.

-madhavi